Using I in a conversation focuses on one’s feelings, experience, and honesty. I feel sad, happy, or angry about…….allows the partner to hear what they are feeling and experiencing.

The past is the past, let go of it. Bringing up the past fuels defensiveness by the other. Keep the past in the past and focus on the present when communicating.

Always listen! Listen and acknowledge what the other is saying. Use words that are genuine, “I understand that you feel (angry, sad, hurt, etc.)” When someone is listening, he or she is trying to understand how the other’s “world” is being affected at that particular time. It feels good to be heard!

Be careful of words that are defensive: YOU instantly and almost always triggers negative emotions for the partner. In turn, the partner will then defend his/her self. In result, the conversation turns into anger, an argument, and is unproductive communication.

Know your limits. If you are starting to feel your emotions rise, take a step back, breathe, and excuse yourself. Taking a “time out” allows for clarity. Communication does not survive in a nasty pool of emotions.

Be patient. Changing your communication takes time, practice, and patience. Don’t give up!

By: Kimberly June Kino, MA, LPC
Phoenix, AZ